


Letters to Ben

by mouseratstan



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Angst, Coping with Death, F/M, Grief, Hospitals, Mourning, Sad, Sad Ending, This is just really sad like really sad, letter writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 13:01:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23711926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mouseratstan/pseuds/mouseratstan
Summary: Every day, Leslie writes Ben a letter.Every day, they get a little harder to write.
Relationships: Leslie Knope/Ben Wyatt
Comments: 13
Kudos: 46





	Letters to Ben

Dearest Ben—

Hi. It's me. It's your Leslie. Your wife. Right now you're laying next to me and you're pale, and your eyes are closed, and I'm scared.

I'm writing to you instead of speaking to you, because I don't think I can find anymore words. The doctors told me I should talk to you, even if you don't respond, even if it looks like you're not listening. Because maybe you'll hear. I don't think that's true, though. I think they're just saying that to make me feel better because you know how much and how long I can talk, especially to you. But for some reason now I can't find my voice. I don't know. Maybe I could only speak when I really knew you were there.

Either way, I'm writing. I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to write, but I'm doing it anyway, because even without my voice nothing can keep Leslie Knope down for long. Not even this. You'll get better soon anyway. I know that you will.

I miss you.

Love, Leslie.

///

Dear Ben,

The triplets miss you.

They came to visit me today, just the three of them. I think Ann must've told them I wasn't doing so great because Westley brought a bunch of political thrillers and Stephen baked brownies and Sonia hugged me for as long as I would allow it, which as it turns out is a really long time.

We talked about you. I told them you're going to be okay. That you'll come home soon. Stephen started to cry a little and they all looked nervous, and I understand. But don't worry, babe, I have enough hope for all of us. I can be the strong one.  
Come back to me soon. I have a movie I want to show you.

Love, Leslie.

///

Ben—

You stirred a little today. I don't think I've ever been happier in my life to see you moving. Thank god I was there, can you imagine if I had missed it?? I was sitting in the chair next to your bed and just as I felt like I was going to cry, you moved. Your hand twitched, and I grabbed it, and you asked for me. You actually said my name!

I didn't realize how much I missed the way you said my name until it came out again. It was like a question, at first, like you were unsure I was there until I held your hand.

And then you fell asleep. Soft, calm, as I soothed you. I've always known just how to get you to relax when you're starting to freak out. I'm happy to see that hasn't changed.

You look so soft in sleep, babe. It reminds me of when we first got together, the first couple nights you spent in my bed. I couldn't sleep and I just stared at you, watched you breathe, just to remind myself that it was really you, you were really here, and you were mine.

I've started doing that again. Ann keeps yelling at me to sleep at home instead of in the hospital. But home is just too empty without you around. Home has always been wherever you are.

///

Dear Ben,

Nights are getting longer. I'm not really sleeping much anymore. You sleep all the time.

I'm at the hospital right now as you sleep, actually, with sweat on your forehead and your hair pushed back in a way that I can see the gray. You're still very handsome to me. Even now, I still think you're single handedly the sexiest man I've ever laid eyes on. I'll even say you're sexier than Joe Biden, if it means you'll wake up again.

Ann is yelling at me. I love you.

///

Dearest Ben,

I'm staying very positive in these notes to you because I know one day you'll read them and I don't want you to feel bad over how sad I am. I don't want you to know how hard this is on me because it must be even harder on you.

When you come home, I just want us to be happy again. I'll wrap you up in blankets and I’ll kiss all over your face and draw you baths and I'll even watch Star Wars with you and make you a calzone. I promise I will.

You just have to wake up first. That's all you have to do.

Love, Leslie.

///

Dear Ben—

Ann caught me writing these letters, so I missed a day. I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you all about it because I don't want you to miss a single detail while you're out. Ann told me it isn't healthy. 

It's because of that I'm not at the hospital with you right now. Ann sent me home and told me to get some sleep, distract myself a little, maybe eat some waffles and just relax and breathe. But you know me, Ben, I don't relax, I don't sleep, I don't do those things. It's especially hard to without you here to encourage me.

I miss the way you would look at me when I was going too fast. The way you would hold me until my breathing was even, how you would grab my face and kiss me in the middle of one of my rants. I think I've survived this long only because of you, Ben.

So what am I supposed to do now, without you? Who do I wake up in the middle of the night because I want whipped cream and a kiss? Who do I talk to about all things political? Who do I bounce ideas off of? Who am I supposed to handshake with?

Who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do?

Please come back.

///

To Ben—

Ann broke the news to me today.

I don't know why I'm writing anymore except for the fact that it makes me feel like you're still here. I've gotten so used to writing here to you that it's the closest I'll ever get to talking to you again.

I can imagine the look on your face that you would give me now. Exasperated. A tiny smile. You would pull me in and rub my back, which I always liked.

You'll never read these notes and I guess that hasn't fully hit yet. It will. I'll get there. But for now, there are so many things I wish I could've told you. So many things I wish you knew. Like how stoic Westley, who never cries, was the first of us to break down when we were given the news. He even let his brother hug him before he drove home. He texted me that he loves me. He hardly ever says that anymore.

I wish I could tell you that Sonia has buried herself into your original copy of the Cones of Dunshire, learning every single rule in that massive handbook even though she hates board games, just because you wrote that book and it's so uniquely you. Everything about it reeks of you.

I would tell you that Stephen hasn't left my side. And I'm thankful for the company because with all of my babies grown up and out of the house, I really needed you. And Stephen looks the most like you. He hasn't said anything to me, but he doesn't need to. We just sit next to each other and feel better because we’re both connected to you and somehow, we can both still feel you here. Stephen has your eyes. I've known that since the day he was born and you teased me for it, but I notice now more than ever.

I've been in Washington DC with you for a long time now. But I think, now, I might go back to Pawnee, because I feel you there more than anywhere. Maybe I'll call up the old Parks and Recreation department. We can talk about you. I'll go to the place where we first met. I'll stand where we said our vows to each other. I'll lean in the doorway to the City Manager’s Office where you kissed me for the first time.

Or maybe I'll just go to our smallest park, alone, and let myself breathe. Because that's what you would want me to do.

It's not really goodbye. No, it's “I'll see you soon.”

I love you and I like you.

Love, Leslie.


End file.
